Just Because

I was just thinking about the decision to make a change, do better at some aspect in your life or love more fully just because you want to.  You know deciding to do something without having some life crisis or the other motivating it?  Now I know that because we are spirits housed in bodies of flesh & bone going through  a mortal experience, and because of the trials in mortality that either by divine intervention or the consequences of our choices we are often compelled to make changes and that these experiences serve an important purpose. However, I believe  that if we worked to connect with our true spiritual character we could gain the  capacity to make decisions to do good, be better and love more fully, not only just because we want to, but for the mere joy of it. I almost feel like it is akin to what it means to develop a pure heart.  I believe as we work toward becoming more sacntified, we can experience  "just because" moments.

As I look back on my life, during times when I was having spiritual highs, I have had "just because" moments and they were some of the happiest experiences of my life.  I cant explain it, but I felt more confident and fearless because it felt like I was lifted to a spiritual plain where being and doing good was a place you never wanted to leave. because you were getting a taste of pure joy.  I just thought of how to describe it, its like you are on the door step of the city of Enoch and you want to make it your permanent residence.

Just because...I want to be there.

Courage to Add My Voice

A little while ago, I read a blog by my daughter where she addresses a talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) during the Saturday afternoon session of General Conference this 5th day of October.  The talk is titled " Like a Broken Vessel" and he directly addresses the issue of mental illnesses with the focus being on depression.  He told us in this talk that those who are struggling should not be ashamed and that healing is possible.

My daughter was brave enough in her blog to admit her struggles with depression and anxiety.  Her courage has motivated me to add my voice with hers.  I have struggled most of my life with mental illness.  I too know what it is like to be depressed and depressed to a point of not wanting to function or sometimes not really feeling like I had a purpose for being on this earth.  I also struggled with a Disassociative disorder that made me feel like I was not normal and would never know what it would be like to live a normal life.  For the longest time I felt broken and often hopeless because the time that I grew up in, telling someone you had certain problems meant you were "nuts" and might have to be put away somewhere.  My struggles were added upon due to issues of abuse at different times in my life.  My ability to function and take care of my children was declining.  I knew I needed help and got down on my knees and turned to the Lord for help.  The Lord answered my prayers and I was blessed to receive help to heal.  The Lord as Elder Holland states in his talk is " the divine potter" that is helping to mend my broken vessel.

Writing this blog is out of my comfort zone. Even though it has been many years and I have experienced steady progress and success, it has been difficult to open up about the struggles of mental illness because of the fear of not being deemed "normal."  However, I'm tired of being afraid and realize that being deemed normal is not as important as the opportunity I have on this blog today to offer hope to others that are struggling with mental illness.

I testify that there is hope of coping and healing with mental illness through relying on Jesus Christ the Savior of the world.  He will help you, I know this because He has helped me. Day by day, year by year, he enables me in becoming more mentally and emotionally functioning.  He has walked with me not only through trials, but has provided me with accomplishments and success I had not previously thought could have existed. I ask any who struggle with mental illness to open the door to the Savior and invite his healing power into your life.  It isn't always easy, at times I still struggle, but because of the Savior I get stronger everyday and so can you.

Give Your Disappointment a Voice

When I was a teenager, sixteen to be precise, I got up the courage to try out for the school drill team.  I went to all the practices.  During the last practice the day before the tryouts I went down into the splits to fast and injured my left leg.  I was in a lot of pain but still decided that I would still go through with the final tryout.  I did the routine and smiled through the pain.  Within a couple of days the results were read over the intercom and I discovered I did not make it.  I was very disappointed and held back my tears of disappointment until I got home, after all no one is suppose to see you cry.

After I got home, my mother asked me what the results were and I told her.  I broke down crying about how I didn't make it and was hoping for some sympathy.  My mother's response was not what I had expected she told me that basically I wasn't the only one who didn't make it and that I shouldn't really be feeling the way I was.  I was hurt by her response because even though I knew others did not make it, I was sorely disappointed that "I" hadn't made it and needed to express my feeling.  In that moment, I silenced my feelings of disappointment and buried them into the recesses of my mind.  It was experiences like this that taught me disappointment was something to be ashamed of, a sign of ingratitude and a weakness.  I thought bottling up these types of feelings would eventually make them go away, but it didn't.  When a small future disappointment rolled around, I would explode over something that appeared so trivial.  It wasn't the trivial incident that created such a powerful explosion, it was that the passed disappointments and not being able to address them had built up so much pressure and finally found their release.

Now, I realize I cannot go back and face that teenage disappointment, that moment has passed.  However, it is my desire in my present life to learn to deal with the disappointments and frustrations that arise.  Instead of silencing, I need to give my disappointment a voice.  Everyone needs to have their "it's not fair, why I am going through this, why didn't that work out" for me moments and then be able to regroup and move on forward,  Silencing our voice of disappointment only results in resentment.  Because we are unable to discuss our feelings, one small moment is met with a mountain of hurt from the past. We also can become bitter and instead of being able to let go, we play the pity card like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite, by talking about what could have been if only.

I have learned to know that the Lord can help us if we are honest with him about the disappointments that come in our life, he isn't going to send lightening down when you express them, believe it or not he will send comfort if you ask for it.  Just saying.